My hollow mind

The question of "what makes you "You"" is something that is hard to answer, but the question "How do you represent yourself?" is even more difficult.
I'll start by saying that my name is Michelle Fleck, or Michelle Hope is what I go by on social sites. I guess the things that make up Michelle Hope are so simple. Everything that I've been in the past makes up who I am now, I was very self conscious, sensitive, quiet and dark. I went through spouts of depression that everyone kind of shook off as just being a teenager. No matter how hard I tried to fight off my feelings naturally, nothing changed. I could be set off at such simple things, and I could hurt someone without thinking twice, but later on I would feel like the worst human being.  

“Perhaps somewhere, someplace deep inside your being, you have undergone important changes while you were sad.” Rainer Maria Rilke

One of my favorite quotes. We may not see or feel the change immediately, but its happening. Even though my disordered thoughts were still there, I learned to control them. I learned to meditate, and for twenty minutes a day I can leave my mind and wander in nothing. Nothing, became one of the greatest things, I went from constantly thinking too much, to being able to escape them and think of nothing. I needed that nothing. My anxiety and depression don't control me anymore, and that's what makes me, me. I enjoy simple things now, since I don't stress over them anymore. My photography was on the back burner for years, but I've rekindled my passion for it. 

                                                                     http://flic.kr/p/bxQzCu


I get outside more, the sun makes me happy. I've planted a garden and take really good care of it. I started dating a boy who has been a huge part in my change. He has encouraged me to stay happy and to not dwell on the things I cannot change. He also had issues so we were able to talk to each other about it. We've been together for two and a half years this Saturday. We've rescued four cats, three of them are ours and the other two are my family's. Sebastian, who is our oldest, almost two years old, we found him in the middle of a busy road at just a week old. Kitty, who just turned one, my cousin found in her apartment complex, so I picked him right up at three months. Dexter, who is my absolute pride and joy, we found him in a box last summer with no food or water, he was just six days old. And Whiskey, whose mother was a stray and was the only one who stayed with her until she left, he was just a few weeks old. Before Sebastian, I had never owned any cats, I was allergic to them. But when we raised him together, and I saw that his personality was a mix of my boyfriend's mine and of course his own, I knew that I was a cat person deep down. 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/michellehopee/6584256831/in/photostream

I try to represent myself as someone who is patient and kind and open minded. I may not always be able to do that, but trying is enough for now. I have two tattoos, a camera and a cat, I want many many more. I try to show that you cant let anything control you, and that  you can only strive to be your true self, whoever that may be. 

Three things cannot be long hidden; the sun, the moon and the truth.-Buddha

No matter how hard you try to be popular or perfect, "you" will always shine through. I know how much it sucks to try and try to be someone and to fail everything. Being true to yourself, that doesn't mean you can be hateful and just say that's who you are, is the greatest thing you can do. It leads to loving yourself, which leads to confidence, and to being able to love others, which in turn lets them love you.


I cant tell you how others see me. My opinion of myself has always been different from how others see me. In high school people used to tell me that they were always afraid to talk to me, or that I would hit them if they said the wrong thing. None of that has ever been true. I love talking to people, I love debating and I would never get mad at someone else's beliefs. I hope that since college is sort of a new beginning, I can give people the right impression of myself. I'm  shy at first, which people mistake for being mean. Once I warm up to people, I can be silly and care free.